Donald Trump has finally won a peace prize – from Fifa, no less. Here are five other awards he should win | Arwa Mahdawi

What a privilege it is to be alive in such a peaceful and prosperous time. If you ignore the genocides in Sudan and Gaza, fighting in eastern Congo, continued attacks on Ukraine, military airstrikes in Myanmar, near-daily strikes on Lebanon, “extrajudicial killings” on Venezualan vessels, increased political violence in the US, along with various other inconvenient issues, then I think we can all agree that Donald Trump has ushered in world peace.

Good luck convincing the nasty Norwegians on the Nobel committee of that, though. They’ve doled out peace prizes to many an alleged war criminal but have a weird grudge against Trump. Still, at least Fifa, an organisation renowned for its impeccable ethics, appreciates the president’s efforts. Last Friday, Trump was awarded the inaugural Fifa peace prize in an over-the-top ceremony that would have made a lesser man, one burdened with a smidgen of self-awareness, feel like a prize idiot.

Ridiculous as the Fifa peace prize may be, the strategy was sound; if you want something from Trump, you need to flatter his ego. I wouldn’t be surprised if Fifa kickstarts a trend for organisations and corporations bestowing outlandish awards upon the president in an effort to get on his good side. To get the ball rolling I have a few suggestions.

1. The Volkswagen Golf award
Trump may have German heritage – and has sparked numerous comparisons with one particular German head of state – but he doesn’t have much love for the fatherland. He’s certainly not a fan of its auto industry: in a 2024 interview the former German chancellor Angela Merkel claimed Trump was “obsessed by the fact that, in his view, there were too many German cars in New York”. He has since done his best to boot them out; in July, Volkswagen said Trump’s US import tariffs cost it more than £1bn in the first half of 2025. If Fifa can give out peace prizes, then the car industry can bestow sports awards. We all know Trump likes to brag about his golfing prowess – he is always going on about his handicap. If Volkswagen came up with some sort of Trump Cup for golfing, it could be a good vehicle for tariff negotiations.

2. The Big Cheese trophy for making America grate again
It’s not just Germany in Trump’s bad books; the president is not thrilled with France. Last month the president told Fox News: “We’ve had a lot of problems with the French …” Time, peut-être, for France’s famous dairy industry to butter him up with an accolade that makes him feel like a grand fromage. The McDonald’s enthusiast is no gourmand, but has an insatiable appetite for adulation.

3. The Humpty Dumpty prize for eggcellence in the American language
The Trump administration is now trying various tactics, from bullying to bribery, to get US universities to Maga-fy themselves. Instead of signing dystopian “compacts” for education, I suggest colleges work together to get the president on-side by making him feel special. We all know he has a very high IQ, but his verbal dexterity ought to be acknowledged by the educational elite. This is a man who coined the phrase “truthful hyperbole” and brewed up words such as covfefe; a man with an “unpresidented”(sic) vocabulary. While some say he rivals James Joyce in terms of output, I think the best literary reference might be Humpty Dumpty. Namely, this quote from Lewis Carroll’s Through the Looking-Glass: “‘When I use a word,’ Humpty Dumpty said in rather a scornful tone, ‘it means just what I choose it to mean – neither more nor less.’”

4. The Energizer Bunny trophy for battery conservation
At 79, Trump is the oldest person ever inaugurated US president. And if you ignore the fact that he keeps being caught on camera dozing off, he is bursting with vim and vigour. Particularly when he’s sharing his thoughts on Truth Social. He keeps going, and going, and going … How does he keep this up? Well, Trump has said he believes the human body is like a battery and has a finite amount of energy: you can’t exercise too much or you waste it. He might not win any awards for environmental conservation, but Big Battery should find a way to empower him.

5. The American Gas Association award for lighting the way
While Trump deserves a plethora of prizes, no earthly award really does him justice. He is marching the world into a new golden age; we know this because he keeps saying so. His word is like a lamp to our feet and a light to our path. Some may even say (there are many such examples!), a gaslight.

Arwa Mahdawi is a Guardian columnist

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