Stephen Colbert on Trump attending birthright citizenship hearing: ‘That’s mob-boss-level intimidation’

Late-night hosts tore into Donald Trump’s intimidation tactics at the supreme court hearing on birthright citizenship and another judge’s order to halt construction of his White House ballroom.

Stephen Colbert

Wednesday was “a big night on all the broadcast networks”, said Stephen Colbert on The Late Show, as Trump gave a primetime national address on the war in Iran.

“It was concise, intelligent and brought the nation together with shared purpose,” Colbert said. “April fools! Trump gave a speech tonight, on the first night of Passover. So whether you’re Jewish or not, I recommend having had four glasses of wine.”

Colbert didn’t touch on the speech, both because The Late Show taped too early and because “I put lamb’s blood around my TV so the speech would pass me by”, he joked.

Trump promised “an important update on Iran”, Colbert noted, before mimicking the president: “My fellow Americans, we are ending our war in Iran. Let me back up a second. We’re doing a war in Iran. I forget why. Is it part of Venezuela?”

The host then cited a report that the president’s flip-flopping on every issue, including Iran, was strategic, to keep people guessing. “Yes, it’s cunning!” Colbert mocked. “No one knows what Donald Trump is thinking. Not even Donald Trump. Think about it. Follow me down the rabbit hole here. Because if he knew what he was thinking he might let it slip. That’s why he keeps his mind perfectly blank. Like nature’s most cunning opponent, the goldfish.”

In other Trump news, the president attended the supreme court’s oral arguments on a case about birthright citizenship, the first sitting president to do. “Well, that is just mob-boss-level intimidation,” Colbert noted.

“If you’re wondering how President Adderall could sit through a whole day of legal proceedings, the answer is that he couldn’t. The justices did not buy any of his administration’s arguments, so midway through the morning a ‘humiliated Trump stormed out of the catastrophic Scotus hearing’,” he added, quoting a Daily Beast headline.

“Humiliated or just confused?” he wondered, breaking out his Trump impression: “Well, that was awkward. All nine of them wore the same black muumuu. The worst production of Sister Act I’ve ever seen.”

The Daily Show

And on The Daily Show, Desi Lydic recapped Trump’s day in court for a case on birthright citizenship, which was established by the 14th amendment in 1868.

The court “took on a historic case to decide whether every child born in the United States is automatically an American citizen, even kids with annoying names like Grayson or Portabella”, she explained. “And it’s a very tricky question because on the one hand, it’s been enshrined in the constitution for 125 years. But on the other hand, Donald Trump doesn’t like it. So, scales of justice.”

“And Trump is taking this case very personally,” becoming the first sitting president to attend oral arguments at the court. “Well, that makes sense. Trump heard they’d be doing oral and was like: ‘I’m in!’” Lydic joked. “Unfortunately for Trump, he’s not a great legal scholar, so he probably thought a supreme court argument was going to be like this,” she added before a clip from A Few Good Men.

Instead, it more resembled a very dry clip played on Fox News. “There was no way Donald Trump was still awake at that point,” Lydic laughed. “Isn’t this the guy who fell asleep at his own criminal trial?”

Lydic also touched on federal judge’s ruling that Trump must halt construction of his gilded White House ballroom, in an unusually colorful decision with 19 exclamation points. “Nineteen exclamation points? Who was the judge – me, writing a work email?” she quipped.

“Sorry, Donald Trump, it looks like your precious ballroom is over. There is no way around this. No loophole here.” Except, the judge ruled that they could finish up existing projects so that they don’t leave the site “unsafe”.

“Sure, of course you have to patch up the side to make it safe. I mean, what if Kristi Noem’s husband tripped and fell and popped his enormous titties?” Lydic joked next to a photo of Bryon Noem wearing large chest padding.

Nevertheless, Trump somehow spun the ruling as a victory for himself and the construction. “Son of a bitch,” said Lydic. “The judge said ‘no ballroom’ and President Amelia Bedelia took that to mean ‘the judge is begging us to build that ballroom’.”